


You Make Me Angry, You Make Me Sad

by ThisWasntTaken



Series: Perdition 'Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, minor depictions of torture, this turned out to be a bigger undertaking than I thought
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-16
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-04 19:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1085064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisWasntTaken/pseuds/ThisWasntTaken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You Make Me Question All I Ever Had</p><p>Perdition 'verse: Cas and Dean get to know each other (and a little more) while Castiel puts Dean's soul back together, but then Dean gets back to Earth and...? (Or: the untold story of why it is Castiel acts the way he does around Dean.)</p><p>In part 2 of the Perdition 'verse, Castiel realizes his transitioning loyalties and considers rebellion. (This is Cas' side of the story from 4.02 "Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester" through the end of 4.20 "The Rapture".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Make Me Angry, You Make Me Sad

**Author's Note:**

> This part relies very heavily on canon. Future parts will not do that, I promise. This was the part of the canon that I was pretty fuzzy on my addition to, but the story will be much less compliant in later parts. (At least one part will diverge from canon entirely.)

It’s three days before Castiel can visit Dean again. Now that he’s got his vessel procured, Castiel goes corporeally (since, apparently, Dean can’t understand him—Castiel gets a twinge at the thought). Dean’s soul remembers Castiel, lighting up at his presence and reaching out to him. Castiel reaches his Grace out to meet it, and Dean awakens. Dean checks on Sam before coming into the kitchen, and Castiel wonders if it’s because he remembers and wants to make sure Sam is asleep when they leave.

“Excellent job with the witnesses,” Castiel says.  
“You were hip to all this?” Dean asks. Not exactly the response Castiel was hoping for.  
“I was, uh, made aware.”  
“Well, thanks for the angelic assistance. You know, I almost got my heart ripped out of my chest,” Dean says, and Castiel thinks _I believe I know the feeling._  
“But you didn’t,” Castiel says. _Nor did I. Everything is all right._  
“I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halo—you know, Michael Landon. Not dicks.”  
Castiel maybe smirks a bit, a habit he picked up from Dean. “Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I’m a soldier.”  
“Yeah, then why didn’t you fight?”  
“I’m not here to perch on your shoulder,” Castiel says. _Although I’d like to. Hunting is more dangerous than I’d realized. No wonder hunters get special treatment in consideration for Heaven._ “We had larger concerns.”  
“Concerns? There were people being torn to shreds down here! And, by the way, while all of this is going on, where the hell is your boss, huh? If there is a God.”  
Castiel thinks that may have hurt more than Dean not believing in angels. “There’s a God.”  
“I’m not convinced,” Dean says. “‘Cause if there’s a God, what the hell is he waiting for, huh? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth? The freaking apocalypse? At what point does he lift a damn finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here?”  
“The Lord works—”  
“If you say ‘mysterious ways,’ so help me I will kick your ass,” Dean says, and Castiel raises his hands in surrender. He goes on autopilot again, explaining the Seals and the Apocalypse, Lilith and Lucifer. When Castiel noted that Dean lacked faith, he hadn’t realized how correct he was. Dean doesn’t believe in angels, God, or even Lucifer. Still, Castiel explains that the angels are currently on Earth to stop Lucifer from being released.

“Well, bang-up job so far,” Dean says, leaning on the counter where Castiel had been. “Stellar job with the witnesses. It’s nice.”  
Castiel tries to remain calm. “We tried. And there are other battles. Some we’ll win, some we’ll lose. This one we lost.” Dean scoffs and, perhaps, that was the last straw. Castiel moves in on Dean. “Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week. You think the armies of Heaven should follow you around? There’s a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of Hell; I can throw you back in.” Given what Dean is, Castiel isn’t sure that’s true, but he thinks that perhaps he’d like to. It might hurt less than this does. Castiel thinks that angels probably shouldn’t _feel_ in this sense. He wonders if he’ll be re-indoctrinated if the others find out. The thought panics him, and he leaves.

***

The next time Castiel sees Dean (or, rather, the next time Castiel _is seen_ by Dean), it’s on orders direct from Michael. Michael believes that Dean will only consent if he finds that there is no way this wouldn’t happen and tells Castiel to send Dean back to 1973 to see John and Mary Winchester and to do what he may to change things. After, he is to tell Dean where to find Sam and that the angels are willing to stop it themselves. Of course, Castiel obeys.

***

Then Halloween comes and the next Seal is the raising of Samhain. Castiel and Uriel are both sent this time, with the orders to tell Dean that they’re prepared to smite the entire town but to actually only do what Dean says to do. Uriel has Zachariah confirm this three times, and then they go to Sam and Dean’s motel room.

“Perhaps they’ve found the witch,” Castiel says, holding up a hex bag. “She’s certainly found them.” He puts the hex bag on the table by the bed.

“I’m still not sure why the humans dress up on this particular day,” Castiel says.  
“Humans are an unexplainable bunch of mud monkeys. I’m still not sure why we don’t _actually_ smite the entire town. Would that not prevent the Seal from being broken?” Uriel asks.  
“Those are not our orders. It’s as simple as that.”  
“It’s never that simple. Something more is going on here.”  
“It’s not our place to question.”

Sam comes into the motel room and draws his gun as soon as he sees Castiel. “Who are you?!”  
Dean rushes in, then realizes who it is. “Sam! Sam, wait! It’s Castiel,” Dean says. He puts his hand on Sam’s gun and lowers it, not that it would hurt either individual it was pointed at. “The angel,” Dean clarifies. Castiel wonders how many the Winchesters know by his name. Dean spots Uriel standing, looking out the window, and says, “Him, I don’t know,” as Castiel crosses the room to Sam.  
Sam grins in awe as Castiel says, “Hello, Sam.”  
“Oh my God. Er, uh. I didn’t mean to…Sorry. It’s an honor. Really, I-I’ve heard a lot about you,” Sam holds his hand out, and Castiel remembers Dean saying that Sam babbles when he’s nervous. Castiel stares at Sam’s hand, unsure what it’s meant for, and Sam shakes it a bit. Clearly, he’s expected to do something with it. Reaching into Jimmy’s consciousness, Castiel finds that he’s intended to put his hand into Sam’s and shake it.  
So he does, and says, “And I, you.” He wraps his other hand around Sam’s and says, “Sam Winchester, the boy with the demon blood.” Sam’s face falls as Castiel continues, “Glad to hear you’ve…ceased your extra-curricular activities.”  
From his place at the window, Uriel chimes in, “Let’s keep it that way.”  
Dean practically demands that they state their business—ever protective of Sam.

Later, away from the Winchesters, Uriel says, “Dean Winchester glows with your Grace,” and he seems to be going for off-hand, but it comes out accusatory.  
“Some pieces of Dean could not be repaired. I had to substitute in my Grace in many areas, and that was only to keep his soul from exploding as soon as I let it go. I couldn’t put him together enough that he won’t remember Hell. I believe he was dreaming about it when we last met.”

When it’s all said and done, Castiel thinks Dean acted admirably, but that doesn’t stop the Seal from being broken.

Though Castiel wasn’t told to tell Dean, he also wasn’t told not to, so he visits him. He finds Dean sitting in a park, watching children play. He tells Dean of their true orders and that he had actually prayed Dean would save the town, even at the expense of the Seal. Though Uriel calls them “mud monkeys,” Castiel believes that they are God’s creations, and that makes them beautiful, flaws (and strange costumed rituals) and all. Castiel isn’t sure why he admits it, since Dean doesn’t know the bond they share, but he tells Dean that he has doubts. He isn’t sure what’s right anymore. They saved the town but the Seal was broken. Does that mean Dean failed the test? Castiel just isn’t sure.

***

Next, there’s Anna. It appears to be Castiel’s fault she’s been found, as she tells Dean and Sam that the first words she heard on “Angel Radio,” as Dean called it, were Castiel’s cries of “Dean Winchester is saved!” Castiel doesn’t want to take her in for punishment, or even kill her on the spot (as they’re allowed to do if it becomes too much trouble to get her), but he and Uriel go to her location, anyway. However, Anna manages to remember a banishing sigil and they’re sent away. Then they hide themselves from the angels. Uriel goes into Dean’s dream to offer an ultimatum: Anna dies or Sam does. Dean breaks in the same way he did for the first Seal: reluctantly, then totally.

They find all three at the barn, but demons show up. Uriel’s pride made him tell Dean he had Anna’s Grace and she takes it from him and becomes an angel again, effectively pushing this battle to another day.

Castiel goes to receive orders, and Uriel desperately wants to kill Sam. However, he’s useful. So he’ll kill the demon girl. No; she’s useful, too. Uriel considers disobedience but instead just leaves to “kill _something_.”

***

The other angels seem to be finding out about Castiel’s feelings. He has a recognized weak spot for Dean Winchester, and Uriel is assigned as his “keeper,” more or less, until it can be determined what to do. And it isn’t long until they need Dean’s help again.

Seven angels have died recently, and not from the current war going on. These angels have died in isolated incidents far away from battlegrounds. They deserve investigation, and the higher-ups seem to think Dean Winchester would be good for the job. When he finds out exactly _what_ the job is, he protests as loudly as he can. He can’t outright say it isn’t okay, but he does try to offer reason. Dean is held together with a thin layer of Castiel’s own Grace, and this like this will erode that layer. This could kill Dean, and he’d be unavailable for their future needs. Castiel is, apparently, wrong. They will simply bring Dean back once more and Castiel will put him together again. Castiel has no further option, and so meekly accepts his orders.

“Alistair’s will is very strong,” Castiel says. “We’ve arrived at an impasse.”  
“Yeah, well, he’s like a black belt in torture. I mean, you guys are out of your league,” Dean says.  
“That’s why we’ve come to his student,” Uriel says. “You happen to be the most qualified interrogator we’ve got.”  
Dean looks down and Castiel tries to reason with him. “Dean, you are our best hope.”  
“No,” Dean says. “No way. You can’t ask me to do this, Cas. Not this.”  
Uriel walks over to Dean. “Who said anything about asking?”

They travel to the place Alistair is being held. Dean tries to leave, but Uriel blocks his path, saying, “Angels are dying, boy.”  
“Everybody’s dying these days,” Dean says. “And hey, I get it. You’re all-powerful; you can make me do whatever you want. But you can’t make me do this.”  
“This is too much to ask, I know. But we have to ask it,” Castiel says.  
Dean looks at Castiel for a moment then asks Uriel to leave.

Dean walks over to Castiel. “What’s going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put you on a leash?”  
“My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.”  
“Your sympathies?”  
“I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I’ve begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment.”  
“Well, tell Uriel—or whoever—you do not want me doing this, trust me.”  
“Want it, no,” Castiel says. “But I’ve been told we need it.”  
“You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.”  
“For what it’s worth, I would give anything not to have you do this,” Castiel says. _Anything, Dean. I would give the Grace from my core if I thought it would do anything but strip me of the little say I already have._

Castiel feels ill listening to Dean torture. Uriel is still gone, and Castiel has nothing to do but twiddle his thumbs and listen to everything he’d built in Dean be torn down. Then Anna appears. He tells her the orders to kill her still stand, but she doesn’t think he’ll try. She tells him to shut it down, to stop Dean before it’s too late, that this isn’t God’s will. She tells him that the feeling inside him is doubt, but he knows it isn’t. He isn’t doubting his loyalties, he’s just realizing that they’ve transferred. Anna insinuates that they should work together, but he snatches his hand away and tells her to leave.

Castiel can sense the moment the trap fails, can feel Alistair’s power breaking free. He’s in the room immediately, but the demon-killing knife doesn’t work. Before he can summon his angel blade, Alistair has him against the wall, reciting an angel-exorcism. Sam comes in, burned black to Castiel’s eyes with demon blood, and gets the information from Alistair before killing him.

Dean goes into the hospital and, after speaking with Sam for a moment, goes to find Uriel. He suggests to Uriel that the murders aren’t demonic, that maybe God isn’t running the show anymore and that the garrison is being punished for failing. Uriel just says that he doesn’t “want to be gutted” and disappears.

Castiel goes to a street and calls for Anna. He tells her that he’s considering disobedience, asks her to tell him what to do, but she says that it’s time to start thinking for himself and disappears.

Castiel confronts Uriel about his trap breaking. He says that there’s no way even Alistair could have overpowered the trap, asking Uriel to pay him the respect their years of brotherhood deserve, to tell him the truth. Uriel summons his angel blade and says that the only things capable of killing angels are _other angels_. Uriel is trying to convert the garrison, to get them to raise Lucifer. With Castiel, they’ll have the power to do just that. The dead angels are the ones who’ve said no. For the first time in a long time, Castiel is sure of what decision he has to make: he punches Uriel. They begin to fight, and Uriel gets Castiel on the ground. However, Anna stabs Uriel in the neck from behind, and Uriel dies, wings scorching just like their fallen comrades’ had.

Castiel goes to see Dean in the hospital, tells him it was Uriel killing the angels, Uriel that let Alistair out, and it seems as though Alistair told Dean the one thing Castiel hoped he’d never find out.  
“Is it true? Did I break the first Seal? Did I start all this?”  
“Yes,” Castiel admits, and he explains his rescue in more detail (still leaving out the part where they fell in love and the part where Dean forgot). “I know our fate rests with you.”  
“Well, then you guys are screwed. I can’t do it, Cas. It’s too big. Alastair was right. I’m not all here. I’m not…I’m not strong enough,” Dean says. _Lately I don’t know if I am, either, Dean._ “Well, I guess I’m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It’s not me.” Dean begins to cry, and Castiel stays with him, reaching out his Grace for the parts of Dean’s soul that became eroded because of Castiel’s orders. _I wonder who it is my Dad wanted us to be. What if Anna’s right? What if He isn’t the one giving out orders anymore? Is there even a such thing as rebellion, then? Before you, Dean Winchester, it was always so black-and-white. What have you done?_

***

With Uriel gone, Castiel goes without a keeper. He isn’t sure why, because his feelings of doubt and his shifting loyalties have done nothing if not increase, but he assumes that it has to do with the mess caused by an angel recruiting for Lucifer. He believes Dean once called it “having bigger fish to fry.”

He checks on Dean—invisible—a few times, and that’s the only reason he’s able to stop him from hurting a Prophet of the Lord and getting obliterated by the Archangel perched on Chuck’s shoulder.

Later that day, Dean prays to him. His whole body feels alight as he feels Dean’s soul reach out for him. Though there’s nothing he can do to help, he goes to Dean. He explains to Dean that he can’t interfere with prophecy, and Dean—understandably—is angry. Castiel wants to help. He can feel the pull to obey Heaven and the pull to please Dean competing in the very core of his being. He almost teleports Sam away. He almost rebels, almost gives Dean what he wants as he has so many times before. But he can’t. Dean’s brushing past him, walking away, and he can’t rebel, but he has to give Dean something or he may never pray to Castiel again, may never give Castiel that feeling.

“Dean,” Castiel says. “Dean.”  
“What?!” Dean asks.  
“You must understand why I can’t intercede. Prophets are very special. They’re protected.”  
“I get that,” Dean says.  
“If anything threatens a prophet—anything at all—an archangel will appear to destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce. They’re absolute. They’re heaven’s most terrifying weapon.”  
“And these archangels, they’re tied to prophets?”  
“Yes,” Castiel says.  
“So if a prophet was in the same room as a demon…”  
“Then the most fearsome wrath of heaven would rain down on that demon. Just so you understand…why I can’t help.”  
“Thanks, Cas.”  
“Good luck.”

Dean puts the prophet in the same room as Lilith—the most fearsome demon that ever existed—and it somehow gets back that Castiel might be the reason. He tells his superiors that Dean wanted him to go against the word of the Prophet, and that—in order to keep in Dean’s good graces—he had to give an excellent explanation as to why that wasn’t possible, and what would happen to Dean if he tried. It isn’t his fault that the Winchesters are idiots. This explanation saves him from re-indoctrination, but he’s made to stay in Heaven for a while.

***

This punishment is what finally decides Castiel’s loyalties, though. Castiel, doing his normal work around Heaven, hears a conversation between two higher-ups.

“The demon has put Seals on hold. She offered the demon Winchester a deal in which she’d stop all together.”  
“We must find a way to apply pressure. She must break the Seals. Lucifer must rise. The battle must take place.”  
“I’ll send out some grunts to investigate the demon.”

Castiel freezes. He was the lowest-ranking angel on the mission to save Dean Winchester, and he was the only one who pushed. He was the only one that seemed to care if they got to him before he tortured; all the others pointed to John Winchester and his century as evidence that they had time. So far, all of the angels fighting to stop the breaking of the Seals have been lower-ranking. The higher-ranking angels have been sitting in Heaven, almost entirely unconcerned about the Seals. Now that Lilith is slowing down, they’re talking about it. Heaven is only pretending to try to stop the Seals from being broken. Heaven wants Lucifer to rise. God is not in charge. Castiel has to tell Dean.

Castiel goes into Dean’s dream to give him an address—Dean’s head is far too open to angels. He says to meet him there and to go now, trying not to sound too stressed to the angels that might be listening.

However, as soon as Castiel gets to the warehouse, angels surround him. He fights valiantly, but there’s no beating this many angels, and he is taken in. The higher-ups don’t give Castiel a chance to explain this time; they just drill into his head to find out what’s happened. Then he’s sent for re-indoctrination.

Re-indoctrination is a messy, brutal process. Basically, an angel is stripped of all of the Grace that isn’t a necessary part of them—what humans would call their soul—in strips. The Grace is washed clean and painfully reapplied to the angel’s soul. This is done as many times as is necessary for the “factory settings” to be expressed. Many angels die in the process. Unfortunately for Castiel, he survives. Multiple times.

When he finally gets out, he is told to find a different vessel (humans begin to bleed into angels; the longer an angel stays in a single vessel, the more likely he is to have feelings, the doorways to doubt), but to do so quickly, in order to save the Winchesters (and Jimmy’s family, as he had promised to do). He ends up going into Jimmy’s daughter, Claire. He burns the ropes that bound her, and hears Jimmy say his name from the side, but Dean Winchester is in a battle and he has to save the Winchesters. He smites the demon Dean Winchester was fighting with, and they both turn to Sam Winchester, but he is drinking the demon’s blood. He eventually stabs her, then takes care of the demon inside Jimmy’s wife. Castiel goes over to Jimmy, who is dying of a bullet wound.

“Of course we keep our promises. Of course you have our gratitude. You served us well. Your work is done. It’s time to go home now. Your real home. You’ll rest forever in the fields of the Lord. Rest now, Jimmy,” Castiel says.  
“No. Claire?” Jimmy asks.  
“She’s with me now. She’s chosen. It’s in her blood, as it was in yours.”  
“Please, Castiel. Me, just take me. Take me, please.”  
“I wanna make sure you understand. You won’t die or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred, a thousand more like it.”  
“It doesn’t matter. You take me. Just take me,” Jimmy says.  
“As you wish,” Castiel says, and he releases Claire to re-enter Jimmy.

Castiel begins to leave, but Dean Winchester calls for him. “Cas, hold up. What were you gonna tell me?”  
 _What was I going to tell him? There’s something. It was big, important. What was it? Oh. That’s it._ “I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean,” Castiel says. “I serve Heaven. I don’t serve man, and I certainly don’t serve you.” Still seriously injured, Castiel walks away instead of flying.


End file.
